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Lord of the Cover Bands

Continued from page 1

Published: March 23, 2006

Choice acting gig: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (Harry Lockhart)
Music: Solo artist, one album
eBay value: The Futurist (CD), $5
Wagnerism: Between his liberal replacement of s's with z's ("Little Clownz") and his Phil Collins-ish emoting, we gotta wonder if dude's been speedballin' again.

Jared Leto

Choice acting gig: My So-Called Life (Jordan Catalano)
Music: Vocals and guitar, 30 Seconds to Mars, two albums
eBay value: A Beautiful Lie (CD), $11.26
Wagnerism: Maybe if Jordan Catalano had fronted this cookie-cutter distortion band at Liberty High, Angela would have fallen for Brian Krakow instead.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Choice acting gig: Party of Five (Sarah Reeves)
Music: Solo artist, four albums
eBay value: Barenaked (CD), $5.72
Wagnerism: Why bother ripping on her nasal voice when there are lyrics like this: "There were lasers and computers and living in space / The '90s kids' dream is for the whole human race / My dream for the '90s / We'll make it come true / This world will be a better place / For me and you."

Billy Bob Thornton

Choice acting gig: Bad Santa (Willie)
Music: Solo artist, three albums
eBay value: Hobo (CD), $7.54
Wagnerism: Sounds just like Tom Waits � although we're not sure that's a compliment when you're not Tom Waits.

John Corbett

Choice acting gig: Sex and the City (Aidan Shaw)
Music: Solo country artist, two albums
eBay value: "Ain't No Trouble to Me" (MP3), 99 cents
Wagnerism: For the first time ever, we're okay with Carrie dumping this Toby Keith disciple.

Marla Sokoloff

Choice acting gig: Full House (Gia Mahan)
Music: Solo artist, MySpace (www.myspace.com/marlasokoloff)
eBay value: N/A
Wagnerism: We've believed in this girl's musical talents since she and Stephanie formed the band Girl Talk and played Ace of Base at the talent show.

William Shatner

Choice acting gig: Star Trek (Captain Kirk)
Music: Solo artist, two albums
eBay value: Has Been (CD), $12.34
Wagnerism: None! Shatner is the shit-ner!

Juliette Lewis

Choice acting gig: Natural Born Killers (Mallory Knox)
Music: Singer, Juliette & the Licks, two albums
eBay value: You're Speaking My Language (CD), $3.54
Wagnerism: She tries so desperately to be hard-core like Joan Jett or Karen O. But it's, like, hey, remember when she guest-starred on The Wonder Years?

Eddie Murphy

Choice acting gig: Coming to America (Prince Akeem)
Music: Solo artist, three albums
eBay value: How Could It Be (CD), $36.01
Wagnerism: My. Girl. Wants. To. Party all the time! Party all the ti-i-ime!

Minnie Driver

Choice acting gig: Good Will Hunting (Skylar)
Music: Solo artist, one album
eBay value: Everything I've Got in My Pocket (CD), $11
Wagnerism: Once, our brother thought he was going to see a band called Minnie Driver, but then it was actually Minnie Driver. He was refused a refund.

Patrick Swayze

Choice acting gig: Dirty Dancing (Johnny Castle)
Music: Solo artist, three songs
eBay value: "She's Like the Wind" (seven-inch), $1.76
Wagnerism: With a single like this, no wonder his murderer in Ghost took him for a cream puff. � Kristyn Pomranz

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Music

Most Popular

No logic needed

That couple in the back row — they're making out big time, but not in the way you think

Martin Draughon returns to the clink after becoming a test case for alleged flaws in GPS monitoring devices

At this old-fashioned Tex-Mex joint on North Shepherd, the huevos are served all day on weekends

Just in time for SXSW, the Pearland New Wavers brush off the mothballs

It was the year 2000 and I was a young hungry reporter in Chicago covering a young hungry state legislator

For days after the storm, inmates in Beaumont lived without A/C, electricity or hot meals. Press releases kept saying everything inside was fine. Guards and prisoners agree — that was nothing but B.S.

All This Useless Beauty

The city's skuzzy alt-rock scene thinks it is dying

The Astros' post-Biggio era begins with a lot of unanswered questions, but the biggest one of all is: Just how bad are things going to get?

The city's skuzzy alt-rock scene thinks it is dying

The last three weeks of this month promise to be hard on your wallet, eardrums and liver

A River Oaks kid learns the Basin Street Blues

Why waste money on (or steal) those bogus Thriller remixes when you can get better ones legally for free?

We swear, we're done now

Recent Articles By Travis Ritter

Hair

Screamfest hollas 8 p.m. Saturday, August 4, at Toyota Center, 1510 Polk. 713-627-9622.

Kid Koala spins 8 p.m. Saturday, July 28, in MFAH's Audrey Jones Beck Building, 5601 Main, 713-639-7300. $15 nonmembers; $10 students with ID. Eighteen and up.

Get Him Eat Him performs Thursday, July 19, at Proletariat, 903 Richmond, 713-523-1199.

Lifesavas performs Sunday, June 3, at the Proletariat, 903 Richmond, 713-523-1199. Strange Fruit Project and DJ Marc Sense also perform.

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Lord of the Cover Bands

Continued from page 1

Subject(s): Lonnie Posey

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