Music

Stupid Baby Names

Metallica Jones

By Craig Hlavaty 

In the Swedish harbor town of Gothenburg, a couple is creating a scandal over the naming of their new baby girl. You see, in Sweden you cannot legally name your child Metallica, at least not without a court fight.

Michael and Karolina Tomaros welcomed a baby girl into the world just last year. Like the good, sensible, logical parents that they are, they decided to name her Metallica. Baby Met's (or is it Baby Llica's?) moniker got past the church board, and the infant was baptized at the family's church, but the local tax authorities refused to recognize the name Metallica Tomaros. Without proper registration, the family won't be able to go on tour — I mean, apply for passports or other identification.

Swedes are famous for unique baby names. There are several children named Google already running around the country's day-care centers, but naming your child after the band that released Kill 'Em All and Live Shit: Binge and Purge is apparently verboten. If the local government gets their way, Baby Met will be named something more like Greta or Valborg (both popular female baby names in Sweden). Come to think of it, Valborg might be the name of a metal band, too.

What will Baby Met's first words be? Momma? Daddy? Or will she instead growl like James Hetfield, chug a beer and belt out a few lines from “Enter Sandman”?

It may seem like your favorite band's name would make a good name for your child, but it's just downright cruel to foist your own pathetic fandom on an unsuspecting and innocent newborn. Evidence: the dozens of sci-fi geek parents out there picking up Luke and Leia from Gymboree right this minute.

I haven't seen many hipster parents naming their kids in quirky ways yet. No misplaced exclamation points, Grey's Anatomy characters or deliberate lower-casings.

Weird names condemn kids to untold hours of explanation and eye-rolling. Coaches, teachers, school bullies and military drill instructors won't always care for a parent's cheeky Pixies reference. Not to mention, you are leaving these poor little lambs open to possible swirlies and merciless taunts from kids that weren't lucky enough to be named after their dad's favorite Steely Dan record. But then again, if Gwyneth and Chris from Coldplay can have Apple, why can't you have a little Primus or Foghat pitter-pattering around your house?

Here's a list of musical baby names, one of which is real, nine of which are fake. See if you can spot the real one.

1. Meatloaf Montgomery

2. Morrissey Garza

3. Seal Stivic

4. Wolfmother Haynes

5. Hatebreed Benson

6. Elvis Nelson

7. Static Harper

8. Hellogoodbye Biggers

9. Deftones Dalton

10. Rush DiFranco

Key: 1 Fake; 2 Fake; 3 Fake; 4 Fake; 5 Fake; 6 Fake; 7 Fake; 8 Fake; 9 Fake; 10 Fake.

We cheated. Sorry.