Music

Tonk Blokes And the Mean Streets Of Da R.O.

Ten things I read about Houston on Urbandictionary.com, the Wikipedia of the hood

By John Nova Lomax 

10. Mike Jones is a "'rapper' for people with A.D.D."

9. Hamilton, Ontario, Hickory, North Carolina and the London district of Hackney are all trying to lay claim to the nickname "H-Town."

8. ZZ Top is to be ranked "somewhere between Stevie Ray Vaughan and Pantera, but below Willie Nelson." On the other hand, "Bowling for Soup and Jessica Simpson can lick ZZ Top's bearded nuts."

"ZZ Top" is also British biker slang for any extraordinary patch of pubic hair. In this sense, it can be used thus: "...when she took her knickers off her ZZ top reached her knees."

7. "Montrose" can be used as an unflattering adjective, as in "That skanky biatch is soooo Montrose." (This usage is probably common in barren cultural wastelands such as The Woodlands, Lake Jackson and Katy.)

6. Dude, SPM is like the Mexican ­Afroman.

5. The SPC refers not to Houston's famous South Park Coalition, but to the Six Pack Crew. These ruffians claim to be "the most hardcore crew in Surrey, perhaps even southern England. Do not mess with the SPC because they are fucking tonk and will not hesitate to pay a little visit to your house at night with petrol and crowbars if u piss them off."

We're betting Houston's SPC would show up to that fight a little better armed than that. Even the tonkest hoodlum in Surrey would have a hard time dealing with the sort of violent affray he could find on the corner of M.L.K. and Bellfort.

4. On the south Atlantic Coast, from Georgia to North Carolina and especially in and around Charleston, South Carolina, Nike Air Force Ones are known as "Willie D's," in honor of the Geto Boy who helped make them famous.

3. Houston's own "Kenny Rogers" is now an adjective. It refers to "that gamblin' feeling when you think you're gonna fart but you may indeed shart instead," and it can be used like this: "I had a Kenny Rogers going and lost, resulting in a Juice Newton."

2. River Oaks people think they are gangsta. It is not only defined as "the richest, most prestigious" district in town, but also as a "tight-ass 'hood." Also, apparently River Oaks denizens reprazent by saying they are from "the muthafuckin' R.O."

1. Rice University is "the best collegue [sic]" in the world.